on: how i scare myself, and tamer hosny’s future wife

***warning! contains offensive language***

there was this incident i remembered recently and which i can’t believe i am chronicalling to the public.  ok, two incidents, both very much the same. ok, three embarassing time, ok? three, THREE! once involving an alleyway, another involving my hijab and finally involving a church and my brother (the latter is the most embarassing!)

the first one involved my going home at a later hour from university, at night, new moon (no stars ‘coz london is very polluted!) through some suspiciously dark and foreboding alleyways. i happened to believe (and still do at times, rabbena yisturne) that rape, knife crime and other henous human acts belong in crimewatch only.

so there i was, carefree and with a spring in my step, till i saw the shadow of something ominous and large diagonally from my left.  O H, SHIT! oh, fuckety fuck FUCK! fuckety fuckey fuuuuUCK! FUCK!

OMG, OMG, OMG ok, you did not just see that! you did N O T  just see that, ok? and he never saw you. no he didn’t… did he? what are you, on dope? ‘course he fucking did! you’re in front of him… oh FUCK!  just act normal, walk straight, act normal. huuurrrry, hurry; stupid alleyway. so fucking long, the stupid alleyway. hurry…

OMG he’s getting faster… omg! you’re done for. AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!  omg he’s catching up with you… OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! OMG… there’s two of them, the other one’s on your right… you’re surrounded… THERE ARE TWO! FUCKING TWO! FUCKING TWWWWOOOO!!! AAAUUUUGGGHHH!

ya Rabbe sami7ne ya Rabb! ya Rabb, ya Rabb istur ya Rabb. *tears start to well up uncontrollably* you idiot! why don’t you ever listen to your mum, huh?! this is EXACTLY what she told you this morning, “never walk on the alleyways, take the bus. what do you mean, you have no money on your oyster card? top it up, then! get the money from the bleeding bank, you idiot! well everyone wants to save up! uuuugghhh!”

ok, so i’m gonna die and i never told my mum that: (1) i owe someone a lot of money, (2) i owe three courseworks to my professors which need handing in, (3) i owe Allah 6 days of fasting, (4) i owe Allah A LOT of things which can never be payed back, and i owe my mum, and dad …. oh, why now???!!! booooohooooo!

something that looks genuinly freaky!

booohoooohooooohooo *catches breath* can’t they get me tomorrow? they can wait till tomorrow…

oh look, end of this loooong alleyway. more light, as soon as i see the first house, scream, ok? SCREAM!!!

SCREAAAA-wait… where have they gone?! i swear they were just behind me… oh, well. i won’t miss them terribly.

(5 yards down) you silly girl! you’re supposed to have said alhamdulillah. al7amdulillah, Allah, al7amdulillah. i love you sooooooo much. you know better than i do how much. soooooo much, SOOOOOO MUCH!

(20 yards down) AAAUUGH! wtf?! omg, it’s only my shadow, omg, omg omg… *catches breath*

(21 yards down) oh yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh! hahaha, omg, don’t tell anyone this, hehehe, you’re a walking laughing stock! hehehe…

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on another note, i have just found out that serena williams has won the women’s final. dammit, my money was on venus, but oh, well. didn’t give two monkeys toots when i found out it was a williams final.

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i’m missing something. i know it.

oh yeah, tamer hosny. i used to hate his guts. but decided to change my mind 15 minutes ago, after clip numero trois (3) changed my mind, or, rather, made me blub and cry like a (very ugly) baby. nothing like sheer insight into the pathetic and fragile human heart makes me blub. if u get the clip, hoorrah for you. if you don’t, get a translater (i’m still under it’s effect; don’t wanna cry again!)

clip one: sarah, 19 years old fan of tamer hosny, wants tamer to marry her so she can be his housewife. convo goes like this (you can thank me for translating by commenting):

sarah: hello, how are you (to host)? can i talk to tamer please?

host: yallah, bisur3a (hurry, quick)

sarah: before i say this… wait, is this tamer? (to which tamer says “yes” and chuckels a little) ok, good. hi tamer! omg, tamer i just wanted to let you know i am dying in love with you, DYING! please just tell me one thing, quickly, just tell me, tell me you love me, tamer. say it, please, tell me you love me.

tamer: i love you

sarah: ok, good, coz that’ so AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHH! (tamer laughs) me and mom always argue and fight over you, w 7yat Rabe (she swears by The Life of The Lord, sub7anaAllah. and pigs may fly!). omg, tamer, tamer.. please, promice me, marry me, marry me, ok? and don’t marry anyone else, tamer, ok? i am DYING in love with you!

female host: ok, sarah, how old are you?

sarah: 19

female host: so how about we try to finish college first, ok?

sarah: but college is useless, i can be a housewife (7adal 2a3da bel beet)

tamer: sarah, ummm… hehehe… ummm. i want you to do something for me, ok, do this for me. i want you to revise real hard, ok? and, and, and…. hehehehehe…

the rest of the vid is rather unimportant. more giggles.

tamer trying to look sizzling hot. did he? i donno; depends if he's your cup of tea...

she comes again in another video, here, and abuses him again, saying she’ll come to all his concert and listen to his voice all the time as long as he promices that his hand and hers will touch, just once.

women!

and here’s where he made me cry. i won’t translate (i know, i’m evil). if i do, we shall delve into the realm of minds and hearts of pathetic (as we all are, of course) humans, and the pudding will get quite heavy. may be some other day. just not now, not today.

with heavy & light heart, i bid you all farewell and may tomorrow be a better day!

yours truely,

the gal with the inky 9alam